Month: August 2019

“I eat Green Berets for breakfast.” —Colonel John Matrix

Today’s quick review: Commando. Once the most feared commando in the world, Colonel John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger) now spends his days with his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano). But his past catches up with him when two of his old enemies (Dan Hedaya, Vernon Wells) kidnap his daughter as revenge for one of his past missions. With the help of Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong), an aspiring pilot, John must rescue his daughter before it is too late.

Commando is an action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Commando is the quintessential 80s action movie, complete with an invincible hero, a high body count, and dry one-liners at every turn. The action manages to be violent without being disturbing, the fight scenes escalate nicely over the course of the film, and the finale is absolutely packed with bullets and explosives. There are no real surprises, only a very clean execution of the formula.

Commando knows how to keep its promises. The plot has just what it needs and nothing more. The action scenes are frequent and energetic. The script has just enough humor to keep the tone light, as well as a few memorable lines to round out the experience. Schwarzenegger is in fine form, performing superhuman feats of strength and pursuing his enemies with implacable determination, while Rae Dawn Chong makes a likable and fairly capable sidekick.

Watch Commando when you’re in the mood for action, plain and simple. It’s a poor choice for anyone hoping for a smart plot, innovative stunts, or deep characters. But as a popcorn action flick, Commando hits the nail on the head. For another Schwarzenegger action movie in a similar vein, try Eraser. For one with a better script and a more elaborate plot, try True Lies. For a Schwarzeneggger action movie with a sci-fi twist, check out Predator.

6.7 out of 10 on IMDB. I give it a 7.0 for action at its purest.

Today’s quick review: Carpool. On the day of an important presentation, Daniel Miller (David Paymer), an uptight ad executive, has to drive his children and their carpool buddies to school for his sick wife. Already running late, Daniel’s day takes a turn for the worse when Franklin (Tom Arnold), an amiable robber trying to save his family carnival, takes Daniel and the kids hostage and uses their minivan as his getaway vehicle.

Carpool is a family comedy that pairs a hard-working father with a laid-back kidnapper. The movie aims low and hits its target. The jokes are cheap and kid-friendly, the acting is over-the-top, and the zany tone comes as much from the soundtrack as anything happening onscreen. The protracted minivan chase does give the film a light dusting of action, and the film does have a reasonable, if predictable, arc for its characters.

But none of these elements are enough to make Carpool a good movie. The jokes are at best amusing and at worst irritating. On the whole the comedy is passable, but even a mild dislike of David Paymer or Tom Arnold will make the movie insufferable. The characters are thin cutouts and no staying power. The frenetic soundtrack belies the mundaneness of even the exciting parts of the story, and the whole film seems dated, tied too closely to the 90s.

Whether you should watch Carpool depends on how strict you are with your comedy. A viewer with lax standards and a hankering for 90s-style kids’ comedy might have a fun, if insubstantial, time. But most viewers would be better off with one of the many other comedies that scratch the same itch, such as Mousehunt, Daddy Day Care, or Jingle All the Way among kids’ comedies and Major League or Rat Race as more mature offerings.

4.9 out of 10 on IMDB. I give it a 5.5 for passable humor that never amounts to anything more.